nothing is forgiven unless you want it to be
by The Original Horcrux
Summary: because the only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.


nothing is forgiven unless you want it to be

You don't know how much longer you can last for.

It's been six days, twenty-one hours, six minutes and forty seconds since he died and you can already feel yourself breaking apart piece by piece.

He meant more to you than life itself. He was the one that got you up in the mornings, the one that made you laugh constantly, the one that got you through every single day, even when you felt like giving up and throwing in the hat he had been there for you to kiss you and tell you that everything was going to be fine, to tell you how perfect you were and to lament how lucky he was to have such a perfect girlfriend.

You thought that love would last forever, but you were wrong.

You can feel your eyelids drooping as sleep threatens to overtake you but you can't sleep because you know as soon as your barriers drop, everything will come flooding back and you will have to live through the whole thing again, you will have to see his body, bedraggled and lifeless on the gloomy beach… You can't see that ever again out of fear. You don't want to face the nightmares.

You draw your knees up to your chest and lean against the hard backboard of your bed and stare at the door, as if you are locked in a contest with it. You can't fall asleep, not now, not while you're still at your most vulnerable. You know that someday you'll be able to face the nightmares. That someday you'll be able to sleep through the night again, but that day is not today.

Tears make their way out of your eyes and down your face as you remember what happened that day. You don't want to remind yourself, you just want to forget, but you know that if you do then you won't know whether you're dead or alive. The pain of your heart ripping itself into thousands of tiny pieces each second keeps you aware and feeling. It's the only thing you have left.

"Stop," you whisper to yourself as your body starts to rack with sobs. You delve deeper into your memories, pulling up old ones that you forgot existed to help lock away the most recent, and also the very last memories that you will have with him.

Meeting for the first time when you were eight years old at the Potters annual Christmas Party, Him helping you train for the Ravenclaw Quidditch team during third year, him helping you through your OWLs. Fishing for freshwater plimpies in the stream behind his house during the summer of your sixth year; the year that you started to date. You remember how he took your breath away when you first stood on the steps to his house with a smile on your face as you got ready for the adventure that he had promised you.

There would be no more adventures now that he was gone.

* * *

_Seven days, one hour, twenty-six minutes and eleven seconds since he died._

You remember how he used to bring you mugs of hot chocolate whenever he could see that you were worried about something; he had always been excellent at spotting another person's feelings immediately and helping them to cheer up.

You remember his bubbly face and his brilliant blue eyes that he had inherited from his mother, the same blue eyes that you saw in his twin brother whenever you looked at him. It hurts you when you see Lorcan walking around the place with his head down and his hands shoved in his pockets. You can't help but cry when you watch your only love's brother walking around the castle, so done with life and so broken. It hurts because it's like Lysander is still here, it hurts even more because he's not.

* * *

_Seven days, eight hours, fifteen minutes, and sixteen seconds since he died._

You miss the way he was so quiet when you wanted him to listen, you miss the way he used to hold you when you were sad, you miss the way that he used to kiss you, so softly and sweetly until you felt better.

Because you're Lucy Weasley and you haven't always been a happy person.

In a family as large as yours it's so easy to be lost in a crowd and people never took notice of quiet, shy Lucy at their many get togethers'. Lysander made you feel noticed, he made you feel like you were worth something. He was your rock, your bridge over troubled waters.

Now he's gone.

And it's entirely your fault.

* * *

_Seven days, twenty-three hours, fifty-seven minutes and eight seconds since he died_

You don't want to, but you remember that day crystal clear in your mind. You remember how gently he shook you awake early that morning, telling you that you were going to go on an adventure together. You remember the date on the newspaper and the headline, _Ministry security questioned after Muggle Teen Breaks in._ You remember wanting to read it but the curiosity over where you and Lysander were going overtook you. You remember the crunch of gravel under your feet as you walked along the bush track, your fingers laced through his. You remember how he told you stories about his travels with his parents and brother. You remember him stumbling at the top of the track that seemingly overlooked the whole world. You remember him falling backwards. You remember the look on his face as he searched for solid ground to put his hands down on but instead found thin air. You remember your stomach lurching as you screamed his name as he fell from the top of the cliff into the crystal clear waters below.

You remember trying to choke down the panic as you screamed for help. You remember seeing muggles already rushing out into the water to help him. You remember them dragging his lifeless body onto the beach as you finally found a way down.

You squeeze your eyes shut tightly, trying to push away the memories but it's no use, you've let down the barriers and let them flood in and now that you've done that there is no way to keep them out anymore.

You crack and another piece of you breaks off and you leave it behind in the seemingly endless labyrinth of suffering.

* * *

_Eleven days, eighteen hours, thirty-five minutes and four seconds since he died._

You try to ignore Molly as she pesters you to talk to her. You don't want to talk to anybody about how you feel; you know that it won't help. Talking to people isn't going to bring him back to you. It's not going to ease the feeling of guilt that has slowly been eating away at you for eleven days. Because if you hadn't gone out on that 'adventure' he wouldn't have fallen, if you hadn't been joking around and tickling him on the top of that cliff, he wouldn't have stumbled and fallen. If you'd just jumped in after him, he wouldn't be dead. You could swim, he couldn't but yet you left it up to the muggles to save him because you were too scared to try and save the only boy that you've ever loved, despite the fact that he saved you thousands of times before.

"Lucy, please talk to me. It's not healthy for you to stay up here for so long, come out and have something to eat," Molly chides and you ignore her. She doesn't know how you feel, how could she?

"Lucy please, Lorcan wants to talk to you," she says and your head snaps towards her, she suddenly has all of your attention.

"I can't," you croak out, "I can't talk to Lorcan."

"Why not?" Molly asks and you wish that your older sister would open her eyes and see how much you were hurting, "Please Lucy, just –"

"I can't speak to him," you say again, more firmly this time.

"Stop being so selfish Luce, he's lost his brother!" Molly says and you snap.

"That is the exact reason why I can't talk to him!" you shriek," For god's sake Molly, open your eyes! If I talk to him I get reminded of each and every day I ever had with Lysander and the fact that I can never have another one! It's like I've just been thrown into this labyrinth and I've tried every possible way to get out but I can't and all its doing is making me suffer more and more until I can't breathe because I just know that it's all my fault!"

Molly looks at you sympathetically and you realise that she only made that comment about Lorcan because she wanted to trick you into speaking to her. You always knew that there was a reason that she was put into Slytherin.

"Well," she says, putting a hand on your arm, "maybe the only way out of this 'labyrinth of suffering' is to forgive."

You look at her quizzically.

"It wasn't your fault Lucy, you need to forgive yourself and only then will you be able to move on."

"But how?" you choke out, tears welling in your eyes and threatening to spill over.

"Well, nothing is forgiven unless you want it to be," Molly says, "All you have to do is forgive yourself."

"I- I don't think I can do that," you whisper.

"Just try," Molly says.

"Will you stay with me?" you say, your voice becoming fainter as tears spill down your cheeks. Molly wraps her arms around your shoulders.

"For as long as you need," she says.

You lean your head on her shoulder and hope that someday you might be able to do what she says and forgive yourself for what happened. But for now, you're still trapped in the labyrinth.

* * *

**AN: **

**For the Big/Lil sis Competition with the prompts quiet, "took my breath away" "the only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive" angst and mug of hot chocolate. **

**I hope you all enjoyed it! And I'd love it if you could leave me a review with what you thought. Thanks!**

**DFTBA,  
Best Wishes**

**~The Original Horcrux~**


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